Life in the Funny Lane

By the way...

2009-12-15T23:09:37Z

Nobody's getting me stuff for Christmas, are you? Really, don't worry. Just make me some tea and have some good biscuits on offer the next time I'm round, or something. And have a fab time doing whatever you're doing for the holidays.

An anecdote for the ages.

2009-11-15T15:48:41Z

I've told some of you about this a bit, but I feel like giving it a full write-up.

Someone I know at work has her own company doing typing and related stuff freelance, and offered to let me take on some of the work she doesn't have time to handle herself. She gave me the contact details of a prospective client, I finally got around to calling him this week, and that's why on Thursday morning I was having a meeting with a nonagenarian Islamic scholar.

I met him at 9am, having not quite realised how early that would mean I'd have to get up when I suggested that time, or that I'd just be turning up at his house. He's written oodles of things before about aspects of Islamic law and the ancestry of the prophet Mohammed and so forth, and he needs someone to help with typing and typesetting his latest book. And I guess I might be doing that.

He seemed a nice man, as did his son/assistant/whoever that other guy was. But it was an odd morning. The other guy offered me tea or coffee, I politely declined, and he sort of hesitated for a moment and said, "We usually have a drink on these sorts of occasions, so... tea or coffee?" And once I had my tea they both seemed to be oddly concerned about whether I was drinking it before it got cold. They weren't pushy or anything, just giving it more attention that I normally would.

And he was convinced he'd seen me before, this prestigious scholar with impressive-looking certificates all over his walls. I'm pretty sure I can categorically say he hadn't. There's no reason our paths should ever have crossed that I can fathom, and even if by some quirk of fate they had it'd be odd that he'd recognise me from randomly being a bit near each other on a bus.

The other guy also seemed rather keen that I be aware of some of the things the good doctor had achieved in his life. It was him who pointed out the certificate honouring him for being a member of the Institute of Civil Engineers for fifty years. And apparently it was due to his work many decades ago that deafness is officially recognised as a disability. Before he played some presumably instrumental role in changing the law, there was apparently no recourse of any sort available, no kind of benefits or legal allowance, based on a trifling matter like being completely deaf. Which is actually kind of impressive.

I'm still not entirely clear what exactly I'd have to do in this job, though. He has a load of hand-written and type-written notes, and wants me to produce "a disc" which the printers can then turn into a book. I... don't really know what this means, assuming there's more to it than just putting together a neatly aligned Word document. I'm not familiar with the exact specifications of what's necessary to be able to send it to the presses, and possibly he's not entirely up on the technical computery side of word processing, and I don't think you can blame either of us. I've also no idea what sort of quote I ought to provide. I may need to consult with the woman who does this professionally and has a company website and everything. I'm just some idiot who can type quite fast, has some free time, and could do with the extra income.

In retrospect, I'm not so convinced that this was really worth fleshing out into a full anecdote. At the time it felt more eventful. But I'm making words, which is a plus.

Hi

2009-11-01T17:46:53Z

Remember me? Yeah, I'm still here sometimes. I should probably be using this place more to provide updates of things that are going on in my life. I suppose it could be argued that there's been one or two of those, but none of you are missing out on anything that much. You'll hear of any major upheavals, I assure you. I'll remember to post many pictures of my eventual cat here, that sort of thing.

Anyway, just two things I thought worth mentioning for now.

1. I've started another blog, which I also intend to update regularly at the expense of neglecting this one. It's called The Daily Half-Truth, and it's intended mostly as a regular writing exercise for me, but also might be interesting to read sometimes as an occasional serendipitous side effect.

2. Someone I'm talking to, on another of those social networking sites all the cool kids are talking about these days, is currently writing essays for uni on topics including (but not limited to):

- Critical Literature Review on Gender & Politeness in Speech
- Comparison of depictions of Thomas Moore's death from various sources
- A write-up of a participant observation she did last week (about deference in speech)
- A mini-essay about a topic of her choice (providing it's to do with Shame and Shamelessness)
- Analysing Bisclarvet and the representation of werewolfs and werewolf activity in the Medieval period

And I thought I'd share that list because it took me right back to my own uni days, when I lived with people who were always writing all sorts of essays on bizarrely fascinating esoteri-souca along similar-sounding lines.

Right. That'll do. Now go away, you're interrupting my yoghurt break.

Arch-nemeses

2009-09-23T22:04:40Z

Random discussion question of the day: If their nature is defined as being the exact opposite of you, what would be the predominant characteristics of your arch-nemesis? This came up out of nowhere on Twitter earlier, and I decided that one of the things I’d have to watch out for would be someone who really hates marzipan.

bouncy_penguin @ 2009-09-19T13:11:00

2009-09-19T12:29:45Z

Anyone else come across the SCP Foundation? It's this fascinating catalogue of top secret official reports, on bizarre objects that have been found and placed in secure containment by some specialised military branch. Some of it's actually kinda eerie to read about. I mean, this is just a creepy thought. And what the hell is this thing?

This is totally my new time-sink, I'm having way too much fun reading through all these.

Edit: Oh yeah, and arrrrrr. Or something.

bouncy_penguin @ 2009-09-10T20:34:00

2009-09-10T19:37:39Z

I wrote a story, of sorts. Writing to a deadline was an interesting new experience. It's over here, if you're interested.

bouncy_penguin @ 2009-08-27T12:57:00

2009-08-27T12:09:45Z

It's been ages since I've had anything interesting to say in here. I'm sure my life's still been going on, I just haven't been compelled to write about it.

Anyway, this isn't much of a life update either, more of a public service announcement to any interested parties: I met aredhel_72 in London yesterday, we had a fun night out, she slept well on my sofa, and I saw her off on her way to Paddington a couple of hours ago, from where she was going to try and visit some apparently interesting churchy place a few tube stops away before heading on to Cheltenham. I'm sure she'll be updating Facebook with progress reports soon, if she hasn't already, but I thought I'd put this up too on the off-chance that it's useful news to anyone.

I suspect that, if you're not diviana_nyx, you'll have no interest in any of this, but it's my journal and I ain't here to amuse you. So ner.

(We saw the musical of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, by the way. It was actually kinda fun.)

You say shameless self-promotion, I say... it's a fair cop

2009-07-07T19:54:05Z

I haven't really said much on here lately. I don't imagine anyone's been bereft and heartbroken at this, but in case I should explain myself, I've been rather more chatty over on my other blog lately. Which may or may not be a great idea, if I'm going to start blathering about rape or gay rights as if I knew anything about either of those things, as I have done lately. But it's what's keeping me occupied. And I am still spending more time being casually dismissive of all your sacred beliefs than anything else, so, that's fun.

Also, today the woman behind the Atheist Bus Campaign called me a bumhead. <3

Obesity? Normal? Surely not!

2009-06-29T11:28:08Z

Oh, fuck off, Prof Michael McMahon. Maybe it would be nicer for you if all those hideous fat freaks could be reviled and spat upon every time they dare to invade your TV, but it's not going to happen. [Further irate rantings deleted because they don't make much sense, and because hopefully arguing the point is redundant. So "being overweight is now perceived as being normal." Fucking good. Ugh.]

The beginning of the end

2009-06-13T18:37:32Z

Oh god. I just replied to an idiotic comment on YouTube.

It can only go downhill from here, right? Anyone have a nail-gun? I think my brain needs to borrow it for a sec.

bouncy_penguin @ 2009-06-11T23:41:00

2009-06-11T22:44:22Z

Ooh, I finally got some feedback on that other story I submitted:

It's very good. I really like the concept and the ending. The flowery prose was a bit much at times. I think the piece would be much stronger if they spoke in plain modern-day English. Could you cut it back and resubmit?

I'm not sure if they got that the flowery prose was deliberately overblown, but I'm also far from certain that it works that way and shouldn't be cut back. Might give it a shot over the weekend. This is all going remarkably well, so far.

bee bee one zero

2009-06-04T22:40:54Z

Well, it's that time of year again. This is becoming one of my favourite annual traditions. Let's see if I can beat my record for how soon after the initial round-up I get completely bored of the whole thing. I think it was only around a fortnight last time.

So there's the "no housemates" gimmick, which seems to be a fairly tedious matter of semantics, since they're all going to be living there but just have to earn a permanent place, and they're not allowed any of their luggage or something.

I see Davina's opted to not be pregnant this year. I think it works for her.

The house is one room, with some random crates and barrels scattered about like we're in a first person shooter, and weird curving bright orange walls, and a phone, and an ominous chair. The garden's a bit nicer, but still littered with crates. I have an overpowering urge to break them open with a crowbar to get some ammo or a medipack.

And we're straight on to the punters.

Freddie. Playing up the posh angle. His estate has tennis courts and a lake. "I vote Tory but I'm an anarchist at heart." Writes mostly indie music with a reggae influence. And for a while I wasn't sure whether that furry hat thing was his actual hair. Probably basically a decent bloke, but a total ponce with an understandably overhyped idea of himself. Mixed feelings from the crowd. In he goes. "Hello everyone!" Um. You're the first one. Dave's not here, man. Randomly tries the phone in the hopes of finding some company. Nope.

Lisa, 41. Remember Kitty from a few seasons back? Like her, but about 80% less obnoxious. And 3000% more of a womaniser. Skinhead, nose ring, and hasn't said anything yet that's not about "turning" straight girls. Oh, now she's moved onto not having a job or any qualificaions. And now onto how much potential she has and how she can do anything. Hmm. Could go either way. Believes in Jesus, UFOs, and aliens. Has Vyvyan from The Young Ones' hair. Okay, I do like her, I just hope she doesn't get too caught up in playing her character.

Sophie, 20, model. In the audition clip we start with, she boasts about being clever, so Big Brother asks: "What's the capital of Uruguay?" The speed with which she answers "U" is actually pretty impressive. Started doing topless modelling from almost the same hour it became legal. Likes talking about her breasts. Yep... yep, still the breasts. Another very mixed reaction from the crowd. Could be Lisa's project?

Kris, 24. Didn't catch his opening line, something about girls' pants. Profoundly fancies himself. Thinks he loves women, but in a way that demonstrates quite an impressive level of contempt for them. A way more positive audience reaction than I'd have thought. Someone in the crowd has a sign saying "We're MPs and we're here at your expense". Genius. Heads straight toward Sophie for a double-cheek kiss. Yeah, I'm not keen on this guy.

Noirin, 25. Vain, always had religion drilled into her, and seems to show no particular signs of independent thought in that regard. Some story I also didn't catch but which ended with everyone seeing her "fanjita". What is that, some kind of Mexican food? No particular interest in fidelity in relationships. Good luck with those ten commandments you profess such an affinity for. Wow, easily the most hostile crowd reaction yet. Aw, the brave smile she's keeping up in the face of some serious booing is making me feel sorry for her. I'm sure she'll start saying things again soon though, and that'll be the end of that. Lisa's sitting in what strikes me as a fairly dominant, alpha-male kind of pose, while the others all stand to chat with the newcomer. Maybe I'll stick around long enough to see what the psychologists have to say about the power dynamics.

Cairon, 18, student. Put any generic American rapper in Walt from Lost's body, and you've basically got this guy. He's going to get in some fights, probably with some of the men we've not met yet. And he'll have a thing with one of the girls, probably Sophie. I give them a week.

Angel, 35. Boxer and artist. Russian. The second one so far who I wasn't sure at first what gender she was. Do actual Russians have that accent too, not just Americans playing them? Huh, who knew? And she's come wearing a suit and top hat with a cane, for some reason. Davina's predicting the pantomime thing isn't gong to work with the crowd, and she is very right. Now I think she's doing the robot. Just... just go in the house, love. Up the stairs. Come on. Come on, you can do it. No, they're behind... yes, that's it, there they are. Up you go. Jeez. I predict friction between her and... potentially anyone, atually.

"Hello Karly. Do you think you're a stuck-up bitch?" Wow, Big Brother's getting feisty. (Her answer seemed to be a partial yes, by the way.) Scottish bimbo. Expecting the boys to love her. Some of them will. She'll be competing for Cairon with Sophie. Definitely some bitch fights there. Thinks it's other people who don't know the difference between being confident and being a bitch, not her. Also not popular with the crowd. Giving the paps some great shots, but not lingering too long. Oh wait, another pause to show off her arse to the cameras.

Marcus, 35. Of Wolverine: "He looks like me, I don't look like him." An action hero, not a superhero. Apparently that's important. Trendsetter, thinks people keep following his ideas. Those sorts of delusions always make for fun times. Going to be some alpha-male shouting matches with Cairon. Calling Lisa "Sweetpea" is going to be an endearing move. Does Angel look ill to anyone else? It's probably just the bad hair day and the nerves making her tense and the fact that she's slightly less tanned than the rest, but I keep thinking she's about to start talking about how hard she's been finding all the chemo.

Beinazir, 28, Pakistani Muslim. Like every tedious bitch I've ever complained about on this show before. Remember any of those other annoying contestants, mostly female, whose names you totally forgot months or years ago? Yeah, she's pretty much like any of them. Has enough self-awareness to pick Amy Winehouse as her celebrity lookalike, though.

Sophia, 26. Oh dear. She's bubbly, isn't she? Did Big Brother just yawn when she talked about he job? WTF, stop everything, did she just says she had lupus? IT'S NEVER LUPUS. She's what the house has needed all these years, they've been wasting their time with those rubbish people, because she's not like them, she's real, yadda yadda. 4'11". Hasn't stopped screaming since getting out of the car. Waving frantically at everyone in the crowd, individually. Hasn't figured out the steps yet. Ah, there she goes. Another good reason not to ever watch this again if I want to not tear out my own eardrums. Still screaming. Nice boots, though. She's inside and still screaming. Well, it's more sort of breathing very very loudly. Every exhale has to come with an over-excited squawk.

Rodrigo, 23. Says it's time for a change in Big Brother, like Obama. Seriously, why is every boring twat convinced that they're so diffrent from all the other boring twats? From Brazil, so I guess that's quirky. England's turning him gay? ...Okay. Eh, probably nice but bugging me already. Goes to church every day? Well, not now you don't, buddy.

Charlie, 22. Oh, he's this year's professionally gay one. Wants to be a pop star. Flamboyant prick. "I'm lovely, I am." Oh god. Former Mr Gay Newcastle. Least favourite word is "chillax", which I note because it's the first thing I've liked about him. The two blondes seem to be getting on well, but is it a deep and meaningful friendship or will there be handbags being stabbed behind backs soon, or something? Ooh, Cairon's not liking the arrival of the very camp one.

Saffia, 27. Not a nice person. Her words, not mine. Regularly takes an instant dislike to people. Misanthrope beyond a level I can sympathise with. Two kids by two different guys, neither of whom she's with now. Bleh. Yes, audience, you are right to boo. "Men are just sperm donors". She has a favourite type of cloud. I'm not going to tell you what it is, because fuck off. "Would consider lesbianism". Might not be enough of a challenge for Lisa, then. All smiles now she's in. Is she really a cynical cow? It didn't seem like just an edgy persona she was trying to emulate at the time, but maybe.

Sree, 25. Indian, and again has an accent that sounds fake. First BB Hindu? Have no idea what the fuck he's talking about, but he seems okay. Hasn't quite mastered the art of not constantly bashing your microphone about. Oh wow, just realised who Marcus looks like from a certain angle. Imagine if David Brent got it into his head that he looked like Hugh Jackman.

Siavash, 23. Wow. He's so real it hurts. Moved here from Iran. Another one constantly telling us how special and wonderful he is, not like all those other samey eople. Yes, audience, you are right to boo. Biggest twat of the lot? Probably. "Daddy is home." Wow, clinched it with perfect timing. Seen a few other posters being held up in the crowd: "Does my banner look big in this?" and "Who is she? Where did U find her?" Also an "RIP Jade Goody" sign being waved with a bit too much enthusiasm.

So they all have to do challenges over the next few days to earn housemate status. One person has to go to the diary room: Rodrigo's it, the poor sap. He has to get someone to sit in the barber's chair, and let him shave their eyebrows, and draw glasses and a moustache on their face with a permanent marker. Um. Wow. Okay. He has to use his "powers of persuasion", but he can tell them all what the deal is, so surely they'd all be up for a little thing like shaving their eyebrows. They've come this far, after all. Ah, he's only got 4 minutes to do it. Mass confusion ensues as he tries hurriedly to explain. Is that Noirin who's volunteered? Come on, time is a factor, people. Um, the eyebrows seem to be intact, did I miss something? And she still needs the moustache. Oh come on, that's not curly at all, that's a short straight line under her nose. Oh, this is a farce! Oh, they've let them have it anyway. Close enough, I guess. I'd have been a stickler for actual curliness to the moustache myself, but whatever. I suppose they've got a schedule to keep.

And next, on Sunday, we all get to vote for who else wins housemate status. Will I still give a shit about any of this by then? You decide. No, wait, that doesn't work at all. I'll decide. Spoiler alert: almost certainly not. If there's one thing that has a chance of bringing me back after tonight, it's to see whether the bull-dyke seduces the blonde model.

Goodnight.

bouncy_penguin @ 2009-06-03T09:27:00

2009-06-03T08:29:52Z

On my bus into work today, someone had written the word "MOO" on the back of one of the seats. Then someone else had turned it into a picture of Homer Simpson, where the O's were his eyes and the M was the little tuft of hair behind his ear.

Apparently this is the first thing in over a fortnight worth mentioning on this blog.

bouncy_penguin @ 2009-05-15T19:38:00

2009-05-15T18:42:02Z

~~WOOP WOOP~~

Never mind. I wondered why nobody else was mentioning this and some of the original links I'd seen to it were vanishing. Move along, folks, nothing to see. I'll leave this here for posterity. Y'know, so they can mock me.

bouncy_penguin @ 2009-05-11T18:39:00

2009-05-11T21:01:56Z

Woohoo! I just got my first rejection letter (well, email) for a story I submitted to a paying fiction market. I feel all growed up and professional. Okay, not professional. Still more, y'know, the other thing. Seeing as how it was a rejection and all. But still, yay! I'd better go write something that sucks less now.

bouncy_penguin @ 2009-05-01T00:35:00

2009-04-30T23:42:34Z

It's that time of year again.

If you happen to be out selling ice cream or walking your dog today, watch your back.

Happy First of May, everyone. May the grass always be below you, and the sky ever above, as you celebrate spring in whatever manner you deem appropriate.

(Context, if you need it.)

bouncy_penguin @ 2009-04-28T12:58:00

2009-04-28T12:03:18Z

Never has this advice been more pressing or pertinent: just shut up, Russell Brand. Honestly. Stop it.

(Is this maybe one of those thoughts better suited to Twitter?)

bouncy_penguin @ 2009-04-25T11:01:00

2009-04-25T10:04:22Z

How completely awesome is this thing?

Seriously, if it's really everything it sounds like from this article, this is so cool. I might go visit it this afternoon on my way to my very exciting appointment tonight.

(FORESHADOWING)

bouncy_penguin @ 2009-04-09T21:09:00

2009-04-09T20:24:23Z

You know how, if you keep saying a word often enough, it often eventually starts to seem weird and formless and lose all meaning and seem less like a word? It seems to work completely the other way around with the word "cake". The more you say cake, the more cakey the word seems. Cake cake cake. Cakey cakey cake. It helps if you say it out loud. It's a great-sounding word. Cake. Cake cake.

I'm hungry.

bouncy_penguin @ 2009-04-01T21:58:00

2009-04-01T21:17:52Z

I didn't mean to imply, with that last post, that I had something particularly devious and sneaky and untrue planned myself that you should watch out for. I just thought that, rather than annoying and upsetting people by completely misjudging the tone of another hilarious jape, I'd make a general public service announcement, and remind you all to be on the lookout for such trickery.

This is my favourite example so far. (This one's good too.)

Happy ascending squares day (1/4/9)

2009-03-31T22:15:17Z

Beware.

Be careful.

Keep checking the calendar.

Believe nothing.

Trust no-one.

Through the magic of Jesus?

2009-03-26T18:39:10Z

Quote of the day from a fabulous discussion about Christianity going on right behind me on the bus just now:

"How can he, like, go to the cinema on Saturday, go to church on Sunday, then come round and eat my burger on Monday? How is it that he can do these things?"

Life, the Universe, and an Italian Plumber

2009-03-24T11:04:45Z

I have this weird flashbulb memory, from when I must have been about eight or nine, which has been prodding my brain occasionally lately. Maybe I'm supposed to write about it. So.

I played a lot of computer games, for around the first decade in which I possessed the requisite motor skills. I spent many, many hours slumped in front of the NES and the Sega Mega Drive, repeatedly ploughing through all the obvious games, and quite a few others which were more obscure but had sounded interesting in some of the magazines about computer games which I pored over obsessively whenever I wasn't playing computer games. The second NES Zelda game was one that particularly ate my brain, or at least did a lot to poke it into funny new shapes. It still feels weird to look at the maps of that game, which are obviously all over the internet now. Having spent so much time immersed inside there, seeing it all close-up, it's just... eerie looking at it from such a different perspective nowadays. (I just spent five minutes staring at that map, remembering all the different areas, occasionally muttering "fucking hidden Naruto town". Then another twenty minutes browsing the other, similar maps that turned up on that google image search. I'm at work right now.)

Anyway, this isn't about Zelda. This is about the good old days when Mario was flat, and didn't make any of those annoying yelping squawks of "A-ha!" every time he bounced off something, and didn't have too complicated a backstory with squillions of extraneous characters. Super Mario Bros. 3 was more or less the goodest and besteriest game ever, and I bet I still know where all the warp whistles and P-wing power-ups are today. And it had one level, I think somewhere in Desert World 2, where if you started with the raccoon power-up that let you fly, you could go forward a little way, then run back, jump, and soar up to a secret bonus area off-screen directly above where you started. That's the exact point I associate with this weird memory.

I never got around to doing much self-reflection or introspective analysis about life until relatively recently, and I'm pretty sure I wasn't in the habit, at nine years old, of pondering the infinite mysteries of the universe, or considering my place in the grand scheme of things. But at this moment, I recall having a sudden flash of perspective, where I saw this moment as a solitary, fleeting point on a constantly changing continuum. I was aware of just how deeply content and satisfied I currently felt - a feeling I think all kids playing video games must know well, even if they don't really notice it - and simultaneously aware that it wouldn't last forever. Someday, it would all end, and in a more profound way than having to hit the power button to switch it off when supper was ready.

Obviously no particular state of existence is ever going to last forever, but even if you know that on a rational level, it's often not encorporated into how that state feels now. You don't tend to fully assimilate a complete understanding of what it means, that ephemerality, and all its implications. You're just a kid playing a videogame, and you're happy, and that's the entire universe. I've no idea what jolted me out of that mode at this particular instant, but it felt really strange. It tinged my gaming with a brief sense of sadness, I think, but also accentuated just how much fun I was having in the moment. I don't think it bothered me for long - I had turtle-shells to kick, after all - but something about it seems to have made an impact.

If anyone has any idea where this rambling thought might be going, feel free to let me know.

bouncy_penguin @ 2009-03-14T21:35:00

2009-03-14T22:32:15Z

I think I'm back. I've moved in, almost entirely, to the new place, and finally got the internet installed far too late last night. It hasn't quite made friends with my computer yet, but hopefully it'll stop spontaneously rebooting the whole system out of nowhere every few minutes soon. Otherwise it's all going pretty well. Except we watched Dr. Horrible tonight, and my housemate's reaction was a cheerful "It was alright". Yeah, she's weird, but not irredeemably so.

More updates when I'm less tired and headachey, but also: I'm thinking of going on some kind of courses at some point. So far I'm mostly looking at: Astronomy, Badminton, Magic and Conjuring, Table Tennis, and Creative Writing, but let me know if I've missed anything that sounds interesting.

Anyway, how y'all doing?

bouncy_penguin @ 2009-02-21T15:44:00

2009-02-21T16:04:39Z

I dreamt last night that I was out shopping, buying milk, but when I came back I realised that I'd already got so much of it that there was little room in my fridge for anything else. Does that mean anything Freudian?